Hey there Friendlies,
It’s been a long time since we had a chat. It’s totally my fault and I take complete ownership of the lack of communication and conversation. I’ve been going through a cyclical existential crisis that is seemingly unending, hence the use of cyclical. I’ve also been taste testing self-doubt and surprisingly, I found that I kind of liked it. Yea, I know.
I’ve always extolled the virtues of a glass unfilled – like will I or won’t I get something to drink, usually betting that I might get liquid but not the exact beverage I want to quench my thirst. To clarify, I’m always surprised when I get what I want and I find some way to prove that I didn’t work hard to get it, which in turn has turned into a vacation into the land of “I probably won’t get it either way.”
^^^ That my friend is what you call a clusterfuck of words. Pessimism entrenched in doubt.
Doubt (noun) a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.
I don’t think I have an issue with believing in myself, it’s just the having to prove to others that my thoughts & ideas are important enough. Okay, I have an issue with believing that what I’m doing is important. That’s a piece of my never-ending existential crisis that what I’m doing isn’t enough. Okay maybe, I don’t believe in myself. See, cyclical.
The crazy thing about self-doubt is that it gushes out into the universe and laces every thought, action, movement, sigh, and tremble of your fingertips. Want to know what the kicker is? When you begin to revel in your doubting abilities and it becomes that one thing you excel at. It flares when you receive a rejection email and you’re thinking “I wasn’t going to get it either way” but it still stings. Or maybe, its doubting due to comparison (hello, Social Media) and hearing that what you’re doing isn’t going to cut it… and maybe you’re just not meant to be in this space. [The standard, it’s you, not me BS]
Self-Doubt is that tacky film residue left behind by a low-grade beauty product that promised hydrated skin. Or better yet doubt is the gunk seeping from my pores and morphing into an inflamed pimple you’re frantic to pop before it marks your skin. Hashtag: Those types of pimples are painful.
A few weeks ago, I looked at the calendar and I heavy sighed… like on an extreme Eeyore level. I was stricken with worry because all of my great ideas & visions for 2017 were shriveled like an apricot with a sprinkle of boohoo blues. I hadn’t done anything I said I would accomplish.
So, I sighed some more, put on a Korean sheet mask, and turn on one of my favorite YouTube channels, The Vlog Brothers. Now, I’m not sure if it’s Hank & John Green’s measured yet frantic tones or precise intonation, but whenever I’m feeling anxious I like to listen to them. John Green has excellent videos about how he works (or doesn’t) through his existentialist crises. But, for that day, I settled on Hank Green’s vlog about “The Myth of Greatness.”
Here’s what Hank said:
“It’s about circumstance, and … the deep belief that your goals are important. Important enough to get out of that comfy bed. Important enough to overcome the apathy and ennui. Important enough to work hard and make sacrifices for.
Amazingly, a lot of those things that people become extremely passionate about and believe in so insanely deeply are, on their own, completely arbitrary. Like Football…people train their entire lives, wreck their bodies and destroy their health to put a ball over a line.
It is important because it is important…and that’s true of all of the great human endeavors. We are the deciders…the great trick of great people is convincing yourself that what you’re doing is so important that it’s worth sacrifice to achieve.”
This is where I crow, that I dived deep into my inner monologue (where I’m taller, thinner, with no student loans), and slapped myself and said; “Bitch, get your life together.”
But, I didn’t. I was late to the self-discovery … which is unsurprising because I stay late. smh
I decided to sleep. I’m a profound believer that it is in our drifted subconscious that we mull over decisions and figure it out. Two weeks ago, I traveled to Thailand to pre-celebrate my 30th birthday with a group of my close friends. One day after hearing me extol the negative aspects of the trip, my BFF said to me “why don’t you look at the positive side.” A couple days ago my husband said to me, “you have the life you said you wanted. Any stress in your life is what you created.”
Muthafucking Kismet. Can someone play the sound of Eureka going off? Cuz that what it was like in my head, like a big kaboom… BOOM!
I woke up.
Walked to my calendar and finally made a decision.
I decided that I was going to restart my year on my born day. June 10th was my new year and I entered it feeling possible. Make no mistake, while I gained clarity, I won’t give you the bull that I cured myself of self-doubt because just today I was trying to talk myself out of pitching to a magazine & moaning that I wasn’t good enough.
Luckily, my frannnddd Hallie of the Soul of Seoul Blog slapped me with a daisy and told me to cut the crap.
Seriously, sometimes a life coach needs her own life coach. Can I get an Amennnn?!
Here I am.
My self-doubt will for sure arise when I’m parched but it doesn’t have to cripple me… because for the most part, I can push it back into purgatory – I strike thee down Satan.
As for my existential crisis … eh a girl can only solve so much in a month.
So, I’m back bitches and I’m soooo ready to
Happy Freaking New New Year to Me!
ps. 30th Birthday Photos & Recap Coming this Week.
Like for serious.
FTC: This post is not sponsored (but I wish it was!). Some of the links are “affiliate links.” If you click on the link and/or purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission (so click the link) 🙂