Get YOUR Life!! | Pushing Past Self-Doubt & Swerving an Existential Crisis

Hey there Friendlies,

It’s been a long time since we had a chat. It’s totally my fault and I take complete ownership of the lack of communication and conversation. I’ve been going through a cyclical existential crisis that is seemingly unending, hence the use of cyclical. I’ve also been taste testing self-doubt and surprisingly, I found that I kind of liked it. Yea, I know.

I’ve always extolled the virtues of a glass unfilled – like will I or won’t I get something to drink, usually betting that I might get liquid but not the exact beverage I want to quench my thirst. To clarify, I’m always surprised when I get what I want and I find some way to prove that I didn’t work hard to get it, which in turn has turned into a vacation into the land of “I probably won’t get it either way.”

^^^ That my friend is what you call a clusterfuck of words. Pessimism entrenched in doubt.

Self-Doubt

Doubt (noun) a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.

I don’t think I have an issue with believing in myself, it’s just the having to prove to others that my thoughts & ideas are important enough. Okay, I have an issue with believing that what I’m doing is important. That’s a piece of my never-ending existential crisis that what I’m doing isn’t enough. Okay maybe, I don’t believe in myself. See, cyclical.

{{ OUTFIT DETAILS }} kimono (similar) | sunglasses (similar) | shoes (similar)

The crazy thing about self-doubt is that it gushes out into the universe and laces every thought, action, movement, sigh, and tremble of your fingertips. Want to know what the kicker is? When you begin to revel in your doubting abilities and it becomes that one thing you excel at. It flares when you receive a rejection email and you’re thinking “I wasn’t going to get it either way” but it still stings. Or maybe, its doubting due to comparison (hello, Social Media) and hearing that what you’re doing isn’t going to cut it… and maybe you’re just not meant to be in this space. [The standard, it’s you, not me BS]

{{ OUTFIT DETAILS }} swim coverup (similar) | swimsuit (similar)

Self-Doubt is that tacky film residue left behind by a low-grade beauty product that promised hydrated skin. Or better yet doubt is the gunk seeping from my pores and morphing into an inflamed pimple you’re frantic to pop before it marks your skin. Hashtag: Those types of pimples are painful.

blah.

A few weeks ago, I looked at the calendar and I heavy sighed… like on an extreme Eeyore level.  I was stricken with worry because all of my great ideas & visions for 2017 were shriveled like an apricot with a sprinkle of boohoo blues. I hadn’t done anything I said I would accomplish.

So, I sighed some more, put on a Korean sheet mask, and turn on one of my favorite YouTube channels, The Vlog Brothers. Now, I’m not sure if it’s Hank & John Green’s measured yet frantic tones or precise intonation, but whenever I’m feeling anxious I like to listen to them. John Green has excellent videos about how he works (or doesn’t) through his existentialist crises. But, for that day, I settled on Hank Green’s vlog about “The Myth of Greatness.”

Here’s what Hank said:

“It’s about circumstance, and … the deep belief that your goals are important. Important enough to get out of that comfy bed. Important enough to overcome the apathy and ennui. Important enough to work hard and make sacrifices for.

Amazingly, a lot of those things that people become extremely passionate about and believe in so insanely deeply are, on their own, completely arbitrary. Like Football…people train their entire lives, wreck their bodies and destroy their health to put a ball over a line.

It is important because it is important…and that’s true of all of the great human endeavors. We are the deciders…the great trick of great people is convincing yourself that what you’re doing is so important that it’s worth sacrifice to achieve.”

This is where I crow, that I dived deep into my inner monologue (where I’m taller, thinner, with no student loans), and slapped myself and said; “Bitch, get your life together.”

{{ OUTFIT DETAILS ]] dress (similar — on sale!!!) | choker (similar) | sunglasses

But, I didn’t. I was late to the self-discovery … which is unsurprising because I stay late. smh

I decided to sleep. I’m a profound believer that it is in our drifted subconscious that we mull over decisions and figure it out. Two weeks ago, I traveled to Thailand to pre-celebrate my 30th birthday with a group of my close friends. One day after hearing me extol the negative aspects of the trip, my BFF said to me “why don’t you look at the positive side.” A couple days ago my husband said to me, “you have the life you said you wanted. Any stress in your life is what you created.”

Muthafucking Kismet. Can someone play the sound of Eureka going off? Cuz that what it was like in my head, like a big kaboom… BOOM!

I woke up.

{{ OUTFIT DETAILS }} Earrings (my fave!) | Choker | Kimono (similar)

Walked to my calendar and finally made a decision.

I decided that I was going to restart my year on my born day. June 10th was my new year and I entered it feeling possible. Make no mistake, while I gained clarity, I won’t give you the bull that I cured myself of self-doubt because just today I was trying to talk myself out of pitching to a magazine & moaning that I wasn’t good enough.

Luckily, my frannnddd Hallie of the Soul of Seoul Blog slapped me with a daisy and told me to cut the crap.

Seriously, sometimes a life coach needs her own life coach. Can I get an Amennnn?!

Here I am.

c/o The Soul of Seoul

My self-doubt will for sure arise when I’m parched but it doesn’t have to cripple me… because for the most part, I can push it back into purgatory – I strike thee down Satan.

As for my existential crisis … eh a girl can only solve so much in a month.

So, I’m back bitches and I’m soooo ready to

GET

MY

LIFE

Happy Freaking New New Year to Me!

ps. 30th Birthday Photos & Recap Coming this Week.

Like for serious.

xx, Star

c/o Nerd_n_Niceclothes {{ OUTFIT DETAILS ]] dress | sunglasses (similar)

FTC: This post is not sponsored (but I wish it was!). Some of the links are “affiliate links.” If you click on the link and/or purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission (so click the link) 🙂

8 Comments

  1. Brigette Collins June 17, 2017 / 1:49 pm

    Self doubt is one of the hardest things to mentally beat.. especially if you have been dealing with it for so long. I’m 29 and I have been dealing with it all my life. I go through phases where I tell myself “I’m going to stop” but it doesn’t last too long. I understand it takes time and strength to over come so I try to not let myself get to down about it. Happy belated birthday! You look FAB!

  2. Shelley @Travel-Stained June 18, 2017 / 11:29 am

    You’re an incredible writer, and you have such a unique voice…so seriously GET YOUR LIFE. Talent isn’t what stops people, it’s self-doubt because I’m sure you well know, there are far less talented people out there who are super successful. That Wayne Gretzky quote is so true – cliche, but true – you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Happy birthday!! 🙂

  3. Wendy Flor June 18, 2017 / 2:25 pm

    Happy birthday, girl! You have such an amazing writing skills and you are lucky you have this gift you can put your emotions into writing. And you get to share your wisdom to others. Go for those photo shoots. I’m sure they are as gorgeous, if not more, as the photos in this blog post are.

  4. Alla Ponomareva June 19, 2017 / 12:47 am

    I like to listen to Youtube’s “Be Inspired” channel when feeling a bit unmotivated or discouraged, it sure does the trick or “Marie Forleo” who always ends with “The world needs that special gift, that only you have!” Who wouldn’t agree with that?! Stay strong and kick ass Star!

  5. The Soul of Seoul June 19, 2017 / 3:39 am

    You go girl. I know you can do anything you put your mind to. You need to stop stopping yourself before you even start. The worst thing that happens is you hear the word “no” but then you take that and learn from it and do better next time. Thanks for the shout out and I can’t wait to see what you get into when I get back. ^^

  6. Travel with Karla June 19, 2017 / 3:54 am

    Belated Happy Birthday Star! What you wrote is really thought provoking. You made me ask myself if what I’m doing is important. Hmmm. Anyway, I love how detailed you are in your outfits! I wanna see where you bought your earrings but I think the link isn’t working.

    • Star Lengas June 19, 2017 / 8:28 am

      Thank you Karla! And double thank you for my outfits 🙂 The link for the earring is fixed! Happy Shopping 🙂

  7. tashtravel June 19, 2017 / 5:02 am

    Recently, I have gone through a few feelings of intense loneliness. Having spoken to a friend last weekend about therapy, and self love, I began to try to find out what ‘self love’ actually is, and where to start applying self love. I found a site which mentioned learning to trust yourself. I found that concept quite curious because women often seek other opinions and try to make informed choices before settling on an action. Women it seems are nurtured to compromise and be flexible, while men are expected to be confident and just make decisions, without experiencing self doubt. I also found Louise Hay’s blog helpful as it discusses some steps to building self esteem: http://www.louisehay.com/3-habits-building-self-esteem/

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